Introducing sex toys into the bedroom....
The question was posed: "My wife is not a fan of sex toys, but I think it is because we do not know about them. What toys do your recommend, and how can I introduce them into the bedroom?"
I have many questions.
Are you fantasizing about toys being used on her? You? Both?
What kind of toys? There’s so many!
I’ll just make some assumptions and deal out some basics…
Sex toys can be a wonderful adventurous addition to sex. But for some people there is a stigma attached to sex toys. They can be seen as unnatural, undesirable alien objects to bring into the activity of sexual intimacy. Provided there isn’t an aversion to them needing to be addressed and or acknowledged in order to proceed, here are a few tips you might find helpful…
There are lots of toy review sites and reviewers, my commentary will focus on other aspects.
Acquiring the toys:
Will you buy something on your own based on what you think your partner will enjoy, having done some investigation? Some partners may prefer this, not necessarily wanting to participate in the purchase process.
Will you invite your partner to embark on a sexy ‘treasure hunt’? You could research together online sources or maybe venture out to a local sex shop.
The sex toy biz has blown up. Depending on your location there could be some very nice stores to peruse. This activity in and of itself could be a fun adventure. Though if your local resources are limited, or if the environment of the shop could be overwhelming- even a turn off, or if your partner wouldn’t enjoy such a thing, an online search might be the preferred.
Though let the buyer beware! There are online sex toy stores that are not reputable and you can get screwed- but not the fun way. Do a google search for reviews of any online venue before purchasing.
One of the benefits of going to a store, is that many stores have test models you can feel and handle before purchase (which haven’t been used for sex lol)
Some tips on toys from my experiences with them:
Purchasing toys that aren’t so loud if they vibrate.
Some toys are very quiet while others can be pretty annoying. When they are loud (buzzing) this can be a big turn off or might even be distracting.
I love vibrating toys! The more settings on the toy offers more options as far as intensity and rhythm goes. Some people need more intense vibes while others just need a minimum to get where they need to go. Variety in the intensity during sex can be a wonderful thing.
I suggest some enjoyable music playing that will help cover the buzzing if the toys do vibrate.
USB charging cordless toys are very common these days but some toys plug into a wall outlet. Some people are annoyed by the cord of an electrical powered toy. I have a Hitachi vibrator that I am in love with, that plugs into the wall (frankly speaking I think whoever invented the vibrator should have received the Nobel peace prize but that’s just me) and I have an extension cord on hand so I don’t have to worry that my reach will be limited by the cord length- which is something to consider with toys that plug into the wall. It’s a drag when the cord doesn’t reach as you’d like. Otherwise a great many vibe toys are battery or USB charged and don’t involve cords.
Warm any insertable toys up with a heating pad. Warm toys generally feel much nicer than a cold toy (though sometimes a cold toy does feel good depending on the play involved!) Be careful that they aren’t too hot. Glass toys can be warmed in hot water. (Btw, I even warm up my paddles and floggers).
Be prepared by having enough lube on hand. I’m a big fan of lube. At times, the more lube the better!
I use both Silicone lube AND water based, often together during sex. Not mixed but used in different ways. Each has its own pros and cons and uses during sex. Some toys feel better with water based lube.
I put condoms on all my toys so I don’t have to worry about using the wrong lube for a toy. This also helps with clean up. You shouldn’t use silicone lube on naked silicone toys because silicone lube degrades silicone toys.
Speaking of lube…
Water-based: Water is the main ingredient in water based lube and is water soluble, making it easy to clean off the body and sheets. Water-based lubes are compatible with all sex toys. Water based lube tends to get ‘sticky’ with friction. Just add more of it as needed.
Silicone-based: Silicone lubes have a wonderful silky feel and are hypoallergenic. But do not use with silicone toys (unless you use a condom on the toy) because silicone lube will ruin silicone toys; it breaks down the surface and degrades the toys. Silicone lube can stain darker colored sheets. Silicone lube can also be used to shine up latex clothing btw. Silicone lube is often preferred by people who are prone to urinary tract infections.
Oil-based: Oil-based lubes such as coconut and olive oil can be used with toys and feel great on the body, but are not safe to use with latex condoms as they make the latex prone to ripping, this increases the risk of pregnancy or STIs. Oil based lubes are harder to clean up and can stain sheets and clothing. Great for massages!
To avoid: Unless you know for certain that a scented lube, flavored lube, or lubes that have hot/cold sensations (which may contain cinnamon) wont bother you or your partner, I would avoid them. Its also advisable to avoid petroleum based and synthetic oils like Vaseline. Petroleum based are not water soluble and can host bacteria causing infections.
Back to the toys....
Size matters! Where is it going? Vaginal? Anal? If we are talking anal, and someone new to toys, I like to start with a smaller vibrating ‘bullet’ or similar plug. Not too big. A size that will prepare a person initially, giving them time to adjust to the sensations and feelings. Ease into it. If they’ve never played anally before, something too big or too rough can possibly ruin anal play for them. Too small isn’t necessarily fun either. Many people start smaller and work up to bigger.
Starting out brand new I suggest getting sizes that match your size (I am assuming you are a man, forgive me if I am wrong) or even slightly smaller depending on what the toy is made of and where it’s going. The anatomy and comfort of your partner will be the determining factor.
Too big, too small or the wrong shape for the unique anatomy involved won’t be fun.
Finding the right size is so important. When I go to some toy stores it seems to me that everything is pretty big, even over the top big for many people. I’ve acquired many big toys from people who bought items that were way too large for them to use. I mean WAY TOO LARGE. Their fantasies were bigger than their ‘parts’. I keep these on hand for psychological play- to scare people (laughing).
Imagine being bound and helpless on a spanking bench in an ‘on all fours’ position and I walk up with a tray of dildos that are absolutely gigantic.
All in good fun!
Texture of toys and how they feel- these days toys are made of much nicer softer materials than they used to be as the norm.
There are dildos and vibrators which are very realistic to what a penis actually feels like.
A flesh penis is ‘smushy’ to a degree, even when ‘rock hard’, unlike a stern hard plastic material that will resist the body such as the vibrators from the 80’s. yikes! while some people may prefer a toy that is hard as a rock (literally), I’ve found that a majority of people I’ve played with prefer a softer material that ‘compromises’ a bit, just as flesh does.
Sex toy manufacturers have come out with some amazing toys that are soft enough and hard enough simultaneously. If you go to a store such as the chain ‘Fascinations’ you’ll be able to feel and examine toys before investing.
Cleaning your toys is very important too! I also like to have an easy to clean and sterilize container that I place toys in as I use them, instead of having them laying just anywhere, especially if I’m using a bunch of toys in a scene.
A google search will harvest tons of info on cleaning whatever toys you have and there are specifics to be aware of depending on the toy and what it is made of.
Getting down to business…
I’m all about details. Details such as ambiance, lighting, music, temperature, smells, etc.
I like to create an environment that feels safe, sensual, familiar, warm, and comforting which allows my partner to feel more secure about exploring into new territory.
Introducing toys into the erotic play…
Perhaps suggest an erotic massage where you eventually add in a massaging toy that vibrates. This may be a good way of introducing a sex toy.
Asking for feedback and reassuring your partner as you go. Communication is the most important part of the process. I’ve seen many couples who don’t give each other enough feedback during sex. Often due to not wanting to make a partner feel awkward.
Ease into it. Start out slow. Don’t go deep at first. Take your time. Even teasing if appropriate. Always observing your partner’s responses. If they are a quiet lover- ask.
Don’t assume. Ask. Ask more. Keep asking until you are certain based on your partner’s responses and reactions. Ask even if you DO feel certain.
"How does this feel? Is it too deep? Not deep enough? Faster? Slower? Are you enjoying this? I want you to tell me if you aren’t enjoying this. Your satisfaction is what is most important to me, not using this toy. If the toy doesn’t give you pleasure I don’t want to use it".
The more you communicate the more effective you’ll eventually get at non verbal communicators, better able to sense and intuitively read the situation and responses. But unless you are psychic you gotta start somewhere and pay close attention.
Make it fun. Light hearted. It’s a learning experience.
A partner also has the right to say no and to not be interested in using toys. I’m answering this without knowing so many important details.
Everything mentioned here is subject to the preferences and boundaries of the individuals involved.